Narrative and truth. I can't seem to see the big picture. I get bogged down in the minutiae, can't see the "out there". And I suffer for it. I've even tried going the other way, in desperation, and try to break down narrative completely - banish it from my life. Quite a psycho-analytic hook into my inner state that. But, I don't know how much of my feeling/unfeeling for narrative is nature, or nurture. My life has been so episodic, that there is no structure - I've always assumed my relationship to it, and truth, has seeped into me from this experience.
And maybe narrative is just the diversion I use not to address the actual issue.
My friends have tended to come and go. And even there I use the passive. Without the "I": I've let friends go; I've sabotaged friendships; And sometimes, I just do and say the wrong things, as I grope frantically around in the dark, missing the right things, grabbing the wrong.
I lose people, and that hurts.
As a child, being wrenched from this country and that - why would you make bonds, if they're just going to be broke? And so, I didn't. Or, I was so wary of letting anyone near. That's where the pattern stemmed, I think. That's rooted in, ha, "nurture". How do I break it? How do I trust? And, I suppose, that breaking of bonds I might make or desire is my biggest fear now. And when I do try to establish a bond with someone special: but I freeze and panic, and do something stupid in an attempt not to make it happen, again. To make it different this time. I get intense, and scare people - they run.
May be this is just common or garden experience? Always seems so special when its your own.
But I am making a big effort to be a friend. A good friend. And I have succeeded on a few occasions, and have some precious people in my life. They've tended to let me dance my merry panic ridden dance, and remain unfazed, until I settle. Still a few twitches every now and then. I try to be calmer each time I find someone special, but...
Perhaps each catastrophe is a learning process. But my god, I feel like I've done all the training I can bear.
Anyway, what's become apparent about this blog, about relationships, friendships, and even going to work everyday - is that they all create undeniable narratives. Whereas silence, stillness and solitude - a large part of my recent past - cause narrative to loose meaning. No structure. And you sink. And I've always retreated from failed and stillborn relationships, and pretended I'm a loner - and read books like the loner's manifesto. It's bollocks. It was all trying to justify my state, rather than ask what I really wanted.
I was never a loner. Just alone. Trying to cope with what was - just was.
But it can be a bit of a chicken and egg situation; if you're alone, what good is it thinking you shouldn't be alone. You are. And what way out of it is there? It seems impossible - and so we perpetuate our current state, as if its something sacred. Even though we know its crazy. See anyone else doing it, and probably we'd know exactly what they should do. But you can crawl out. I believe.
But the tiiiiimmmme it takes. It's excruciating... full of false starts. And on failure, I've retreated to some place safe. And say, this is my place. It's necessary, but... its not a home. I'm just dwelling. I'm not rooted - just rooted to the spot, in fear.
I remember a trick a friend told me - imagine yourself in a film - in your current situation - your life as a film - and you're in it in a the third person kinda way. Just what would you as the first person viewer be shouting at the tv set as the third person acted or didn't act? What would make you cheer? What would have your head in your hands, moaning - "oohhh nooooo. Don't. Don't. You're so close"
How has this gone on for so long? Dare I hope, I can start cheering?
And maybe narrative is just the diversion I use not to address the actual issue.
My friends have tended to come and go. And even there I use the passive. Without the "I": I've let friends go; I've sabotaged friendships; And sometimes, I just do and say the wrong things, as I grope frantically around in the dark, missing the right things, grabbing the wrong.
I lose people, and that hurts.
As a child, being wrenched from this country and that - why would you make bonds, if they're just going to be broke? And so, I didn't. Or, I was so wary of letting anyone near. That's where the pattern stemmed, I think. That's rooted in, ha, "nurture". How do I break it? How do I trust? And, I suppose, that breaking of bonds I might make or desire is my biggest fear now. And when I do try to establish a bond with someone special: but I freeze and panic, and do something stupid in an attempt not to make it happen, again. To make it different this time. I get intense, and scare people - they run.
May be this is just common or garden experience? Always seems so special when its your own.
But I am making a big effort to be a friend. A good friend. And I have succeeded on a few occasions, and have some precious people in my life. They've tended to let me dance my merry panic ridden dance, and remain unfazed, until I settle. Still a few twitches every now and then. I try to be calmer each time I find someone special, but...
Perhaps each catastrophe is a learning process. But my god, I feel like I've done all the training I can bear.
Anyway, what's become apparent about this blog, about relationships, friendships, and even going to work everyday - is that they all create undeniable narratives. Whereas silence, stillness and solitude - a large part of my recent past - cause narrative to loose meaning. No structure. And you sink. And I've always retreated from failed and stillborn relationships, and pretended I'm a loner - and read books like the loner's manifesto. It's bollocks. It was all trying to justify my state, rather than ask what I really wanted.
I was never a loner. Just alone. Trying to cope with what was - just was.
But it can be a bit of a chicken and egg situation; if you're alone, what good is it thinking you shouldn't be alone. You are. And what way out of it is there? It seems impossible - and so we perpetuate our current state, as if its something sacred. Even though we know its crazy. See anyone else doing it, and probably we'd know exactly what they should do. But you can crawl out. I believe.
But the tiiiiimmmme it takes. It's excruciating... full of false starts. And on failure, I've retreated to some place safe. And say, this is my place. It's necessary, but... its not a home. I'm just dwelling. I'm not rooted - just rooted to the spot, in fear.
I remember a trick a friend told me - imagine yourself in a film - in your current situation - your life as a film - and you're in it in a the third person kinda way. Just what would you as the first person viewer be shouting at the tv set as the third person acted or didn't act? What would make you cheer? What would have your head in your hands, moaning - "oohhh nooooo. Don't. Don't. You're so close"
How has this gone on for so long? Dare I hope, I can start cheering?
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